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As a child, I never felt loved or noticed.

At age 5, I was with my brother and mother in town when a lady was raving how cute my brother’s curly hair was; as soon as we got home I took him to the picnic table and cut his curls off. The next painful event was when my sister was playing with her friends in our yard. I approached them, and my sister said: “What do you want?” I responded, “I want to play with you.” She looked at me and said, “We don’t want you here, go away.” I opened the gate and ran three blocks, crossing a major intersection, to my grandma’s house. When my mother arrived, I hid under the sewing machine. She immediately took me out and spanked my bottom all the way home; I was sure she didn’t love me.

Life changed when we moved into a smaller house. Dad worked out of town, and my mother was always stressed out trying to feed us. We had no hot water, heat was limited to one room, water was in the basement, rats ran through the walls, terrifying me and my sister at night. I hated my life and blamed my parents for letting me live like this. The resentment and anger grew inside of me. I easily fell into the wrong crowd, smoking cigarettes and being defiant, especially towards my mother. One day sitting in my yard, I said, “My life is a big mistake, and it’s both my mom and dad’s fault for letting me live like this.” I opened the gate, walked to the highway, and hitchhiked from Pennsylvania to Florida.

At 12 years old, I ended up in my first detention center (in Titusville, Fla.). I was released to my parents, who paid a family to drive from Pennsylvania to bring me home. I had no remorse or any feelings; all I could think of was running. I fell into the wrong crowd and was introduced to drugs, alcohol, more rebellion, and crime. This way of life took me to a low in more ways than one. It escalated quickly; the deeper I went the more I ran.

Crimes started as mean pranks on a teacher we didn’t like, progressed to possession of marijuana, and ended in armed robbery with attempt to injure. I was introduced to an older guy who I thought was the most handsome guy I ever saw; I was star struck. By now, I never went to school, never was home; I was just running. One night this guy picked me up and drove me into an alley where we drank alcohol and did drugs. He then slowly drove down a very dark street, stopped, and multiple guys jumped in the back seat. I jumped out, and one guy tried pushing me back into the car. I kicked and fought my way out of there and ran for my life. A lady was sitting on her porch; I asked her to please help me. Another friend was driving by and stopped. I told him what happened, and he took me home and told me to stay there. The car with the love of my life drove a few blocks away and picked up three teenage girls who were brutally raped and murdered that night. My life was ripped apart; the one thing I truly loved went to prison for murdering three of my classmates. I was 15 years old and had at least five other encounters that brought me close to death; in every one of them I ran for my life.

One day I walked by a donut shop, went in, and noticed a knife and no customers. I grabbed the knife and told the cashier to open the register and empty it into my hand; when she did, I raised my hand with the knife and aimed for her chest, but she turned and I stabbed her in the upper arm. I walked out of there feeling nothing. I was almost 16 years old when I ended up in county jail, awaiting sentencing. I had no idea my dad called Teen Challenge and begged the judge to sentence me to a long term program for troubled girls. The judge called me to his bench and said, “You’re back again. You look tired. I’m going to give you a vacation.” He sentenced me to New Life for Girls for two years, and off I went to Dover, PA.

I arrived late that night and was placed in the children’s house due to my age. I lasted three days there; due to being a bad influence on the other girls, I was immediately taken to the director’s office (Cookie Rodriguez), and she proceeded to tell me that she was sending me back to jail due to my bad attitude. I had no feelings, so I really didn’t care. She sent me back to the dorm so I could think about all she said. The next day she called me to her office; this time the office was filled with staff members. I remember seeing tears in their eyes, faces red from crying. I looked around the room and for the first time in my life I felt something. She told me that they prayed all night for her not to send me back, that God would intervene. I left the office with feelings I couldn’t explain. Outside, a staff member came after me and saw my face. She asked me if I wanted to accept Jesus into my heart as my Savior; I said yes. I asked God to come into my heart and change me.

I never felt that anyone could ever care for or love me; but on this day I did.

I was moved to Cookie’s house to live and started to travel in the choir with her, sharing my testimony in church and street ministries. After two years I turned 18 years old. Many gifts were placed on my bed. They even had a party for me, but I still wanted to go home to make things right with my parents. God had other plans. In a church service, I sensed God calling me to Bible college at Twin Oaks in Tyler, Texas (David Wilkerson, founder). I tried to talk God out of it, but He won, and off I went for another year. I studied the Bible, but I never really felt total submission to the Lord; I always wanted to go home. I did graduate Bible school and felt the calling to a teen center in Indiana, but the school wanted me to go to San Jose, California, to a detox center for women. I was 18 years old and just didn’t want to be there.

I eventually disobeyed God and went home.

This decision led to 46 years of running from God. I married and had two beautiful children; but the marriage was filled with verbal and physical abuse and ended in divorce. I worked many hours trying to raise my children; there was no time for church or God. I did, however, pray and cry myself to sleep, but I still never connected the dots. My children grew up with a mother who had failed them—no church, no Christian teaching. They both as teenagers fell into drugs and crime. As soon as they turned 18 years old, I gave them my condo and moved to Florida, looking for a better life. I did find a church, but I was still running from God. I met and married my second husband, who is a wonderful man and gives me a great life. After 28 years in Florida, we decided to sell our house and move to Bristol, Virginia. Boy did God have a plan. Again I found a church, but this time it was different; the people were different, which drew me into the church more and more. I sensed God wanting me to go talk to a young lady who left the church due to a same sex relationship; again, I tried to argue with God saying I don’t know her or anything about same sex relationships. This argument with God went on for two days, and on a side of a mountain, I for the first time totally submitted my life to Jesus. I instantly felt a love wrap around me filled with total peace.

I finally stopped running! You see, when God chooses you, you can run all you want, but in the end I ran back into His arms.

He never left me, His hand was always on me protecting me, raising me up through pain to become a warrior for Him. I currently minister in a detention center as a witness of Jesus Christ’s transformation, power and love for all of us. The power of the living God moves throughout that center every week. In addition, God has healed my heart from hatred to His love for the guy who tried to murder me. After 54 years, he is still incarcerated, and I visit him every year to share the freedom and love of Jesus Christ.

If you are reading this today and are tired of running, I urge you to step back and ask God to forgive you and save you, and to transform your life so you can be free and know you are loved by a living God.

John 3:16 “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.”

Romans 5:8 “God commendeth his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.”

I’m asking you the most important question of life:

Are you ready to stop running and start living for Jesus?

Romans 10:13 “For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.”

All can pray a prayer like this, from the heart, to accept Jesus today: “God, I know I am a sinner. I believe Jesus died in my place on the cross. I believe He rose from the dead after three days to give me eternal life with Him. I’m asking you to forgive me and come into my life as my Savior. Thank you for loving me and forgiving me, Lord, through your mercy and grace. I am now free! Amen."

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