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One Liners

What do you get when you cross a cocker spaniel with a poodle and a ghost?

A Cocker-Poodle BOO!

Did you hear about the guy who got the left side of his body amputated?

He’s all RIGHT now!

Why can’t a nose be a foot?

Because, then it would be a foot!

Today I got rid of some batteries. I gave them away FREE of charge!

What did one cannibal say to the other while they were eating a clown?

Does this taste funny to you?

Two antennas decided to get married. The ceremony was fine, but the reception was GREAT!

What’s the difference between IN-LAWS and OUTLAWS?

OUTLAWS are wanted!

Why did the snail paint a giant S on his car?

So when he drove by people would say “Look at that S car go!”

The Talking Dog

A man is driving through a new area of town one day when he sees a sign on the front door of a house: TALKING DOG FOR SALE. He just has to check this out.

He knocks on the door, and when the owner comes to the door he asks, “Do you really have a talking dog for sale?”

The owner remarks, “Absolutely, he is out back in the yard. Feel free to go talk to him.”

The guy walks out to the backyard, sees the dog and says, “Hello.”

The dog responds, “Welcome stranger. What brings you to my neighborhood?”

“Well,” says the man, “I was driving by, saw the sign and had to check it out. Tell me a little about your background.”

The dog begins by telling the man he served with the military in Operation Desert Storm during the Gulf War, then spent several years as a rescue dog in the Swiss Alps, and now spends a few days a month visiting old folks at the local nursing home.

The man is amazed. He goes back to the owner and says, “Why on earth would you want to sell this talking dog?”

The owner, very sternly, remarks, “He is a liar! He never did any of those things!!”

BIBLE STORY

A man spots an old schoolfriend getting out of a ROLLS ROYCE auto.

“How did you do so well?” asks the man.

“Oh,” says his stuttering friend. “J-j-j-j-j just by selling c-c-c-c copies of the B-b-b-b Bible d-d-d-d door to d-d-d-door.”

“That’s amazing,” says the man. “How do you manage to sell so many?”

“W-w-well,” says his friend,
“I just knock on p-p-p-people’s d-d-d-doors, show them a c-c-copy of the b-b-b-Bible and ask them if they w-w-w-would rather b-b-b-buy one or have me r-r-r-read
it to them.”

More One Liners

Did you hear about the new squirrel diet? It’s just nuts!

I’m so good at sleeping.
I can do it with my eyes closed!

Why do people in Greece hate waking up at dawn?

Because Dawn
is tough on
Grease!

Two Mental Patients

Two mental patients, Harry and Tom, are waiting for an interview with their doctor. If they can each answer two simple questions, they’ve been told they will be free to leave the asylum.

The first patient, Harry, goes in for his interview.

“Harry,” says the doctor, “If I were to poke out one of your eyes what would happen?”

“I would be half blind,” replies Harry.

“And what would happen if I poked out the other eye?” asks the doctor.

“I would be completely blind,” replies Harry.

The doctor sends Harry out and prepares paperwork for his release. Meanwhile Harry whispers the answers to Tom.

Tom then goes in.

“Tom, what would happen if I cut off your ear?”

“I would be blind in one eye,” replies Tom.

“I see,” says the puzzled doctor. “And what would happen if I cut off your other ear?”

“I would be completely blind,” answers Tom.

“Why do you think you’d be blind if you had no ears?” asks the doctor.

Tom thinks for a second. Then he says, “Because my hat would fall over my eyes.”

More One Liners

Light travels faster than sound. That is the reason some people appear bright before you hear them speak.

Do you know what’s ODD?

Every other number!

A turtle is crossing the road when he is mugged by two snails. When the police show up, they ask him what happened. The shaken turtle says, “I don’t know. It happened so fast.”

Did you hear about the man who got rid of his vacuum? He claimed all it was doing was collecting dust.

KNOCK KNOCK

Knock Knock

Who’s there?

Harry

Harry who?

Harry up and open the door

Knock Knock

Who’s there?

Nobell

Nobell who?

Nobell so I knocked knocked

KNOCK KNOCK

Knock Knock

Who’s there?

Dishes

Dishes who?

Dishes a really bad joke

Knock Knock

Who’s there?

Beets

Beets who?

Beats me, I’m here for the jokes

Knock Knock

Who’s there?

Little old lady

Little old lady who?

Hey, I didn’t know you could yodel!

Knock Knock

Who’s there?

Wooden shoe

Wooden shoe who?

Wooden shoe like to know

Knock Knock

Who’s there?

Jesus

Jesus who?

Jesus Christ, the one who loves you so much that he suffered a horrible death on a wooden cross to pay for your sins. RIGHT NOW, he is standing at the door of your heart and knocking.

He loves you more than you could ever imagine and wants to give you a joy that is greater than any laughter you’ve ever experienced.

As an old, seasoned fisherman, here is my advice:

Open the door. Invite Jesus in. Recognize that you are a sinner and separated from God. Romans 3:23

Have faith that Jesus is the Son of God, who died on the cross to pay for your sins and was resurrected.
Romans 5:8

Confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, which leads to salvation. This also includes repenting (turning away from your sins). Romans 10:9

Accept God’s gift of eternal life through faith in Jesus alone. Not by your own actions or merits.
Ephesians 2:8-9

Think about this: We are souls with bodies, not bodies with souls. These earthly bodies will wear out and die, but our souls will live forever in either Heaven, with unbelievable joy, or in Hell, with eternal, excruciating misery.

Today, Jesus is knocking on your door with an indescribable gift. WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?

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