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I was never physically abused, but the psychological damage from my father's alcoholism was deep and painful. Peace and security belonged to others because I don't remember experiencing them growing up.

What I do remember vividly is the day I decided to shut down my feelings. It didn't take much effort because I had already started ignoring them. I reasoned at a young age that my feelings were not of any great significance. Yet, I always wanted someone to love me, to make me feel valued. I also looked for people to make me feel safe, but I struggled with allowing people to get too close. The few times I risked letting my guard down—which were my attempts to connect with someone—I was left more wounded, disappointed, and alone. These experiences fed my belief that I had no real value.

Only as an adult did I understand that my father had learned to deaden his feelings and his emotional pain through alcohol. As a result, he was unavailable to his family on many levels. I would spend years digging my way out of the pain this caused. For example, I believed that if I gave people what they wanted or did the right thing, they would like me and consider me important. I also reasoned that it would prevent or alleviate any need to confront difficult situations if I did the right thing.

My decision to shut down my feelings resulted from fearing to trust what I was feeling and that what I was feeling was okay. But those feelings of not being safe and accepted by people would not go away, and became the filters through which I viewed the world for years.

Turning Point

As far back as I can remember, I attended church with my family. I confessed hope in Christ at a young age; however, I had no idea what I was doing or what it meant to have a personal relationship with Christ. It seemed to be what was expected of me. Unfortunately, nothing in my life changed after that experience. I wasn't offered Bible studies, nor was I reading or studying the Bible on my own. I still attended church, but there were no significant changes in my life.

Time and life moved on, and at the age of 17, I graduated from high school and went on to college. By 1986, I was divorced and had two children.

Although I was older, I was still seeking to validate my worth. I was restless, searching for something or someone to fill the emptiness in my life. I started going to clubs. I didn't smoke or drink; I enjoyed music and dancing. After a couple of years, I still wanted more, but I didn't know how to move forward. I felt trapped by my inability to make wise choices about relationships, often failing at engaging in healthy ones.

A Changed Life

In 1988, the most beautiful thing happened; Jesus came into my life in such a gentle way. He brought peace and security and told me of my worth by pointing me to the cross.

It began earlier that year. The organization I was working for transferred me to a different work site. My new office was located in an army hospital. I met new people, and a few who stopped by my office started talking to me about their relationship with Christ. This didn't turn me off, but no one had ever engaged me in conversations about their religious experience. I always thought a person's relationship with Christ was private, not discussed openly.

A couple of people started inviting me to their church, and I would attend out of politeness and curiosity. I found the services interesting but wasn't motivated to explore the possibility of joining.

One day I received a call from a high school classmate. I hadn't spoken to her in ten years. How she found me, I do not know. She called to invite me to her baptism. I was amazed and excited for her, so I agreed to attend. By the end of the service, I knew I had found what I longed for. I can't tell you what the message was that day, but the presence of the Lord was in that place.

I remember sitting in that church longing to belong, feel, and know this God everyone around me seemed to know. No one had to convince me there was a God; I just didn't know Him.

I immediately requested to join a Bible study, and my life started to change … finally. Why? Because as King David said, “The entrance of thy words giveth light; it giveth understanding unto the simple” (Psalm 119:130).

I learned through those studies that Jesus loved me just the way I was, but He refused to leave me the way He found me. He planned to restore His image in me. I can't tell you how excited and appealing this was to me because I didn't like the person I had become. I was tired of the emptiness, often failing to fill it. I was tired of being afraid of relationships, avoiding relationships so I wouldn't be hurt.

In those studies and conversations with individuals in my Bible study group, I learned that Jesus loved me simply because I existed, and He cared for and about me. I knew that I didn't deserve His love, but praise God, He believed I was worth dying for. The following year on November 3, 1989, I was baptized in that same church, in that same baptismal pool.

My Life Today

Although life has had many challenges since giving my heart to the Lord, I am not the same person who walked into that church over thirty years ago through the grace of God. I have grown and continue to grow in Christ, and I have never regretted my decision to give my life to Him.

One of those challenges was in 1993, when I was officially diagnosed with a learning disability that affected my ability to read, write, and spell. Even after becoming a Christian, I was ashamed of my reading and writing skills.

Somehow, only God knows, I finished my bachelor's degree and received my doctorate in Educational Psychology. God wasn't finished. He wanted me to write for Him. Imagine, a person who struggles with writing and spelling, writing for God. I often say that God has an interesting sense of humor.

Someone once said that God does not call those who are qualified but qualifies those who respond to His call. It took some convincing from the Lord, but I finally said yes to Him.

I now encourage others to say yes to Christ. Not just to do a work for Him, but to live for Him. I can and do attest that living for and working with Christ is the greatest and most fulfilling relationship and experience you will ever have.

That is why I encourage you to find God’s purpose in your life.

I am also happy to share that I belong to a wonderful church and a Bible study group. I'm very active in my church and dearly love sharing my Christian experience with others.

Gospel Invitation

The apostle Paul reminds us, “Hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us. For when we were yet without strength, in due time Christ died for the ungodly” (Romans 5:5-6).

The ungodly Paul is speaking of is us before we accept Christ. It doesn't sound very flattering. We want to think more highly of ourselves than ungodly. The good news is that when we hide in the shadow of the Almighty and He shows us our true condition before Him (those ungodly places in us), then that we are finally able to say, “I am not ashamed of the gospel of Christ: for it is the power of God” (Romans 1:16-19).

God's power to rid us of our ungodliness is found in the life, death, burial, and resurrection of Christ. And make no mistake, experiencing the presence of Christ requires a daily bowing of the heart and knee at the throne of grace so that ungodliness finds no resting place in us. I am daily humbled that God so loved me that He sent Christ His Son to die for me, the ungodly, that I may live His righteous life. Oh, how great His love, mercy, and grace have been towards me.

I invite you to give your life to Christ today.

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